The Relationship Reset
Reset Nation, first, let me say thank you.
After sorting through the emails, reading your messages, and seeing your responses to this column, I am truly overjoyed. Thank you for your honesty. Thank you for your vulnerability. Thank you for trusting me with pieces of your heart and your story.
Today’s question comes from one of our Reset Nation family members.
“Hey Mrs. Yo!
My question for The Relationship Reset is this: Even after the relationship has ended, why does it hurt to finally see they have moved on?”
Without having all the details, how long the relationship lasted, why it ended, or how quickly they moved on. I’m going to take a few liberties with my response.
The truth is it really doesn’t matter how the relationship ended. Maybe it was mutual. Maybe you both grew apart. Maybe it became difficult. Maybe it ended in disappointment, hurt, or heartbreak.
But one thing is true in almost every relationship ending:
There is grief.
When a relationship ends, we lose more than a person. Sometimes we lose routines. Future plans, Traditions. Comfort. Possibilities. We grieve what was and sometimes even more deeply, we grieve what could have been.
What makes relationship grief difficult is the person is still here.
When someone passes away, there is a different type of finality. But when a relationship ends and the person is still living life, growing, smiling, and eventually moving on, it can stir emotions you thought you had already worked through.
And when you finally see they’ve moved on, sometimes the pain isn’t just about them.
Sometimes it is about the dreams attached to them.
Sometimes it is grieving what could have happened, what should have happened, or what you hoped would happen.
There is also a scientific side to heartbreak. Our minds and bodies often process relationship loss in ways that mirror grief. So, if your emotions feel heavy, complicated, or confusing, understand something:
You are human.
Allow yourself to feel.
Allow yourself space.
Allow yourself to ride the wave of emotions instead of pretending they are not there.
But while you’re healing, don’t forget why the relationship ended.
Many times, after breakups, we only remember the beautiful moments. Our minds have a way of replaying highlights while minimizing the reasons things did not work.
So, when those emotions rise up, ask yourself:
Why am I feeling this way?
What was the reason we are no longer together?
Am I grieving what actually happened, or am I grieving what I hoped would happen?
Answer honestly.
Sometimes we are grieving potential more than reality.
And while you’re processing your emotions, address your feelings, not the person.
Do not make their happiness your assignment.
Do not make their new relationship your focus.
We sometimes convince ourselves someone else has fully healed because they moved on first. That may or may not be true.
Either way, your healing belongs to you.
Learn from what happened.
Learn from what you could have done differently.
Learn from what you tolerated that you should not have.
Give yourself permission to heal correctly.
Time matters. But intentional healing matters more.
And eventually, when your heart is ready, open yourself back up again.
Not for them.
For you.
Because your story did not end when the relationship did.
Reset Nation, hear me clearly, healing is not pretending it never hurt. Healing is allowing pain to teach you without allowing pain to define you.
Give yourself grace. Give yourself time. Give yourself compassion.
And remember this:
You do not have to heal on someone else’s timeline.
Until next time,
Mrs. Yo
Are you part of Reset Nation and have a relationship question you’d like featured in The Relationship Reset? Send your questions to therelationshipreset@yahoo.com. Your story could help someone else heal, grow, and reset too.
Because here in Reset Nation, we heal, we learn, and we grow, together.
